Hi. I'm Emily. I'm 18 and a senior in high school, hating every minute of it.
Am I the only one that ever goes all the way back to the beginning of my tumblr? Before everyone was following 200 people and everyone from school was following them. I feel like when i began tumblr it was to vent. so when i went all the way back i was surprised to find a ton of shit i had written-letters. i didn’t do a march challenge or something asking me what my favorite color is. i mean an actual challenge- something you had to think about and write about.
one post stuck out to me in general. i wrote an extremely nasty and rude letter to my dad. I haven’t seen my dad since 5th grade i think. I dont know what the guy looks like for the most part because i haven’t lived with him since 1st grade.
I recently found out that he is extremely sick. he’s probably going to die. no, i’m not being dramatic. that’s the reality of the situation and i’m not going to go on with my life and pretend everything is fine.
and when i found out how sick he was, i immediately started crying. and then i realized i was crying over someone who probably never shed a tear over me. i realized i would be devastated if he died. and i guess i realized that no matter how much i rant and vent about hating him, somewhere deep down i must love him.
June 7. just a day, right? No, that’s graduation day. a day to celebrate getting through all these years of hell and moving on. you celebrate with your families. i had always figured my dad wouldn’t be there, he never went to anything. but now knowing that he might not even be around to consider coming is horrid.
he’s missed so much of my life and i could list it all out, not that i haven’t, but what good would it do? i need to live in the present and deal with what is going on right now. his liver is failing. he’s having strokes regularly. and i doubt he’s sober. he’s spent his whole life tearing apart his body with his bad decisions and hasn’t respected the life he was given. and i guess he’s just an example to me and zack to not make those same decisions.
all those letters i’ve written him and never sent? i should have sent them. just because he couldnt start the communication doesnt mean i couldnt have. all this time i’ve wasted being angry at him, i could have been tlaking to him and keeping him updated on my life.
why am i even writing this? i always delete everything i post anyways. i don’t want pity. it’s not like it’s someone tha ti live with that’s dying. and i feel completely awful when i’m crying over it at amanda’s when her dad died and her parents were still together. she saw him every day. he was a noraml part of her life. i don’t mean to make that seem less…important? i dont really know what word i’m looking for there, but i understand that it was a way bigger deal when her dad died than it will be when mine does.
end of rant. back to pretending this isn’t affecting my life and going on with drama club and school and work.